DISCLAIMER: This post ends happy – but before I hit publish Alex fell and got a nosebleed, so I feel the worst now. Again.
I know I said I was going to discuss my PRAMS journey, but let me fastforward to now for a minute.
This week, I had a rare working day (Tuesday) when Phill had to go out to check a site, so it was just the two of us for the afternoon, after my mam and dad had been for a socially distanced visit to the garden. It got me thinking about Monday, and the past few weeks.
Monday was the first day in which I can say I ended the day proud and happy. There was no shouting, the only tears from me were about a totally unrelated matter (the backstory to this, if you’re interested) and I just really, really enjoyed my son and couldn’t wait to spend another day with him.
I’m not saying that I don’t want to spend time with him of course – I love him dearly. But being a parent is hard – or at least it is for me. Even more so during lockdown and following a birth trauma. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But I never expected to feel so many emotions in so few hours each and every day.
I could put a lot of that down to sleep deprivation. There’s a reason they use it as a form of torture. And the relentlessness of breastfeeding, in particular in the beginning, made me feel ALL the emotions. But my pre-pregnancy lack of confidence and self-belief and tendency to worry about others – both what they think of me and whether they are ok – has definitely had an impact on my postnatal mental health, as well as the birth trauma.
So we’re on week – 11? I think – of lockdown, and on week 12 of being back in work – but not as expected, and we are less than 3 weeks away from Alex’s first birthday, so June was never going to be easy.
So as you can imagine, there are a lot of those above emotions flying all over my mind. Last week I found myself in a slump on a couple of days. I say a slump – I was mentally and physically exhausted on one of the days. I just had nothing in me, and though Fitsteps pulled me out of it slightly, not even that was enough.
A few days after that I was again in emotional turmoil, and just couldn’t stop crying. The reasons were threefold.
1. That his birth didn’t go as I’d expected – and though I know it’s incredible that we are both here to enjoy each other, and are fit and healthy, it’s still something that makes me sad, because I won’t be doing it again.
2. That my return to work hadn’t gone as I’d expected. I thought I would finally start to feel like myself again with work to do as well as motherhood. And I did to an extent, and I’m grateful for the extra time I get with Alex. But it still wasn’t what I’d been expecting. and
3. That his first birthday won’t be what I was expecting. Again – very grateful that he’s here and that we can still do lovely things at home. But again, expectation.
That night, when I cried about it all, Phill made a very good point. He’s not the best at comforting (sorry hubs – it’s a fact!), but he did say something that resonated. He said plans change, and at least we still got to celebrate his Christening , everyone we love (well, most), before lockdown. Which is very true.
However, I do like to plan. My house doesn’t look like I’m organised – in fact, a lot of the time it’s a shit tip. No show home here. But I DO like a list, and a plan and just an idea of what’s happening – even if that is vague.
I’m not one of those people who can just stroll through life on a whim….. and so you can imagine so many of these unexpected events have just thrown me, and I definitely feel like I’m in emotional turmoil.
Couple that with Alex walking and generally developing so quickly, and other things going on in the world that I’m trying my best to be a better human at – and help others be better humans – and the past few weeks have just been a bit of a whirlwind mentally.
So – back to my main point – when Monday turned out to be an absolutely lovely day, I really sat back at the end of it and let that wash over me for a second. I knew things could change in an instant – as the state of the world in 2020 has shown. But for that moment, I was fully content and calm for the first time in a long time.
Sitting thinking now about how I’ve been feeling, I know my down times are still valid, even though I’m grateful that we’re both alive, healthy and fit. And as a great friend told me this week, I know I sometimes need to wallow in those downs – whether they are set off by world events, personal events or by my own mind - and I will.
But tonight – with my walking, funny, stubborn, determined and growing boy – I feel happier than I have for a long time and I must remember these good times in my journey of life.